True Friends, True Value

by Julie Rahm

Earlier this year, I lamented to my friend, Kim, that I could not find time to do what I wanted to do with my business. She asked me what I was spending my time doing if it was not working toward my personal goals. As I recited the litany of organizations and tasks that took my time, she grinned and gave me the “cocker spaniel tilt” with her head. And then she said five short words that pierced my soul. “Where do you get your value?” As I rattled off a list of my achievements and character traits, she stopped me and said directly that it is not my worldly successes that give me value. She claimed it is not what I do, but how I am that caused her to love and respect me. I had to sit down. She said my value came simply from being created by God, unique and unrepeatable. The idea shook me to the core. For my entire life until that moment I thought people loved and respected me for all that I accomplished. After all, I had spent 43 years as a “human doing” instead of a “human being”, striving to achieve and be perfect. My stomach churned as I considered the possibility that Kim was right. I wondered what would be left of me if I peeled off the layers of worldly success. I needed more evidence.

For the next several weeks I paid close attention to my family and friends. When I told my husband that I was stacking the evidence of my value, he laughed. He could not believe that I thought he loved me for my competence, intellect, and talent, which apparently, in some areas are not as strong as I thought they were. He asked me to accept myself as an imperfect human, because my elevated frustration levels at my imperfect performances of simple tasks was not attractive. This was not the data I expected to collect.

The most outstanding moment of evidence came when my Leadership Craven class climbed the three-story tower during our closing retreat. (I wrote about the climb in my August blog entry entitled, The Ascent.) At this point I still did not believe Kim. Some classmates climbed the tower to the top, some did not. The only option I allowed myself was climbing to the top. However, another classmate who felt the same way I did stopped just short of the top and could go no further. When he reached the ground he received the same back slaps and high fives that I did. Whether or not we reached the top had nothing to do with how our classmates felt about us.

After stacking the evidence for a month, my churning stomach turned into a feeling of relief. I could literally breathe again. I have value simply because I am. It is who I am, not what I do that draws people to me. I began to get excited about the possibilities of living as a limited, imperfect human being. After all, there are only 88 keys on a piano and yet with only those keys available to them, composers and songwriters have written millions of different pieces. And, with only the colors in a rainbow, artists have painted millions of beautiful pictures.

The Gratitude Habit

by Julie Rahm

"Gratitude creates a strong positive energy that brings to us feelings of peace and happiness. From this point of happiness, what we desire begins to flow freely into our lives. We attract more things into our lives for which to be grateful. When we make it a habit each morning to focus on the things for which we are grateful and to cherish all the tangible and intangible aspects of our lives, we put ourselves in the right frame of mind to make every day a great day." Those are the words of my coach, Kim Ades. I invite you to join me in this habit of gratitude. Start today and continue every morning to pause and think of five things for which you are grateful.

When life is full of challenges, recognizing all we have for which to be thankful can feel daunting. Those times of challenge are when our attitude of gratitude is most important. Such an attitude keeps us from sliding down to the negative end of the emotional scale and staying there, which is what happens when we are focused only on what is wrong with our lives. If you are having trouble feeling grateful, let me help you get started with suggestions from Kim.

Begin by paying attention to the things you rarely notice and the things that are working for you that you generally overlook or typically just take for granted. Consider the aspects about you that you are proud of and cherish.

Think about the people in your life for whom you are grateful and why you are grateful for them. What role have they played in your life and what do they mean to you?

What experiences have you had for which you are grateful? How did the experiences impact your life in a positive way?

Consider the big things for which you are grateful that make your life easier and more comfortable - things that are fundamental to your life and provide your life with the infrastructure you need to live.

Think about the things that you enjoy in your life - the pleasures, the recreation, the indulgences, the treats, and the fun for which you are grateful.

Reflect on the teachers you have encountered who have left an imprint on you, and on those people who have left a mark for which you are deeply grateful.

Mull over the lessons for which you are grateful. What have you learned along the way that is so vital and important to you that you want to share those lessons with people you love, your kids, your friends, and close family members?

Start each day with feelings of peace and wellbeing by saying thank you for five things in your life. By making gratitude your daily habit, you start down the road to being happy regardless of what is happening around you. And, you attract more for which to be thankful.

Stack the Evidence

by Julie Rahm

Have you ever closed your eyes and let your imagination run wild with dreams and visions for your future? What happens when you open your eyes again? Do you believe you can accomplish your vision, or do you say it’s just a fantasy and get back to your everyday life?

Your imagination is part of your connection to your Creator. Your God-inspired visions are absolutely possible to achieve if you simply remember to include God! Have courage! Let your imagination go and write your personal vision statement, and then work on believing you can achieve it. Start by asking yourself this question. If you had all the money, time, resources, and talent you needed, what would you do?

It is so easy to feel small compared to your lofty vision. It is natural to wonder how you will ever get from where you are to where you want to be. The key to shrinking the mental distance between you and your vision is to open yourself to receive everything the universe has to offer you. To begin opening yourself to blessings from the universe, take the five actions below and make your vision accessible!

(1) Have an attitude of gratitude. Every morning and every evening write down five things for which you are grateful. Recognize the many blessings you have already received.
(2) Stack the evidence. Look for evidence every day that your vision is what you are already doing. Notice the little things you do that align with your vision.
(3) Say positive affirmations three times each day, and say them with passion! Here are some examples of my positive affirmations in case you need a jump-start to write your own.
· My life is abundant in every way!
· I am the best in all I do!
· My life is filled with love and beauty!
· The right people are in my path and I have favor with all of them!
· I am divinely guided and protected!
· I believe all things are possible!
· I can do anything!
· I make a difference in this world!
(4) Be the gatekeeper of your people environment. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people. Reduce the time you spend with people who focus on bad news, or people who are consistently complaining or critical. You may think you can bring them up. It is more likely they will bring you down!
(5) Have faith! Be willing to trust that your Creator is a loving God who would not inspire dreams in you that He did not make you uniquely equipped to fulfill!

Close your eyes, see your vision, and then take action to close the gap between where you are and where you want to be!

Your True Value

By Julie Rahm

What makes you valuable? Perhaps you think it’s what you do, how you look, or what you have. If so, consider this perspective. What makes a home designed by world-renowned architect Frank Lloyd Wright worth more than another home of the same size and similar location? Of course, it is because the unique design of the home was created by architect Frank Lloyd Wright. By the same token, the architect behind your design is what gives you value.

You are valuable, because Almighty God, the architect of the universe, is your architect! He designed your looks, your height, your personality – every detail of you – uniquely and perfectly, exactly the way you need to be to accomplish your mission in life. He placed inside of you unique gifts, talents, passions, and dreams. There are no accidents! God made you at this time in the history of planet earth for a reason. The world needs what you have to offer through your distinctive talents.

So often I hear people say things like “if only I had her personality, then I would be successful”. “If only I were taller...” “If only I were prettier...” “If only I were stronger...” You are exactly the way you need to be!

The key to living your best life is to know the truth about your value. When you know the truth, you can be self-validating and self-approving. When you look for approval from others, you sacrifice a piece of yourself by doing what makes them happy, instead of what is in your heart. If you live for the approval of others long enough, you will forget who you really are! Rather than trying to be someone else, be the best at being you. Learn to accept yourself as you really are.

Start today approving of yourself. Instead of focusing on the one thing you did not do perfectly, focus on the 1,000 things you did well today! Give everything you do your best effort. Give yourself credit for all the things you did well, and tell yourself you will do better on the other things next time.

Perhaps other people have put you down, focusing on the one thing you did that was not perfect. Perhaps they have said you do not have what it takes to accomplish your dreams. They are wrong. You have everything it takes to fulfill your God-inspired dreams. Your true value comes from the architect behind your unique design, God Himself. It’s not what you do, it’s not what you have, and it’s not how you look that makes you valuable. The world needs you and the gifts and talents only you have to offer! You are exactly the way you need to be. Believe it and start approving of yourself today!

Truth

By Julie Rahm

What is truth? Is truth simply a belief I have held for a long time? Beliefs trigger thoughts. Thoughts trigger feelings. Feelings trigger actions. So, does that mean I create my own truth? What about absolutes like the law of gravity? Gravity holds me on the planet whether or not I believe in it. Is there absolute truth in everything? And, if my truth is different from absolute truth, does it matter what absolute truth is if I do not learn it? Can I change absolute truth by influencing enough people to believe my truth?

What do I know for sure? I know that gravity holds me on earth. The earth rotates on its own axis and revolves around the sun. I have faith that I was created by God for a purpose, that He loves me and that I am saved by His grace. And, all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. I know that the past is gone and the future is uncertain, so I live in now, anticipating even better tomorrows. What else do I need to know for sure?

By the way, did Adam have a navel?

The Ascent

The Ascent, by Julie Rahm

Last May, I graduated with the Leadership Craven Class of 2008. Leadership Craven is sponsored by the New Bern Chamber of Commerce. The program gives the participants behind the scenes perspective of the inner workings of Craven County. To successfully complete the program, an overnight retreat at Camp Seafarer, a YMCA Camp, is required. The crucible of the retreat happens on the second day with an opportunity to climb the tower at nearby Camp Seagull. The tower is three stories high with a platform on top. The climbing options include cargo netting or telephone poles with widely spaced foot and handholds. The task appears easy. But, when the platform is viewed from below against the blue sky, the true nature of the challenging climb becomes apparent. The height is daunting. Most of my classmates went first. Some climbed part of the way and decided that was enough. Others elected not to climb the tower at all. For me, nothing less than standing on top of the platform was acceptable. About a third of the way up, my fear of heights began to surface. My determination was not enough to suppress the anxiety. Fears began to creep into my psyche. I became tired and unable to see the next hand or foot hold. My ascent up the tower slowed then finally stopped. I did not have the energy for more vertical. Then, I heard voices below me. Krista, Janine, and Nancy were encouraging me. They started coaching me. Their voices echoed the locations of the next handholds and footholds. The encouragement and directions were enough to get me moving back up the tower. With their help, I finished the climb.

Looking out from the top at the beauty of the Neuse River I thought about the times in my life when I needed help and did not ask for it. I often camouflaged my need for help. Even in the most demanding times I did not show my need. What made me reluctant to ask for help? Did I feel imposing? Did I have a fear of looking incompetent? Did I have a trust deficit? Have I experienced negative feedback when asking for help? On that tower, I finally realized in order to accomplish great things – or even not-so-great things - I need other people. It is lonely being and army of one. Happy, successful people surround themselves with other positive, supportive people and ask for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness.

In the weeks since that day, I have been paying attention to my people environment. As the doorkeeper of my people environment, I choose who I let into my world. I choose people who support my goals. Looking for opportunities to create a personal community rather than being an island has energized me. I look for people to help in my pursuits. My new perspective has made all the difference!

"High D's" and Dogs

"High D’s" and Dogs
By Julie Rahm

My husband, John, and I just had another exchange that beautifully illustrates the differences in our personality styles and why we need each other. Our friend, Sarah, called and John happened to answer. Sarah works for a veterinarian in town and wanted to know if we would like to adopt a dog. John simply said, “No, thanks” and said goodbye.

I asked John who called and what they wanted. John answered me, and then I proceeded to ask him a litany of questions… “What kind of dog? Is the dog male or female? How old is the dog? Whose dog was it? How did the dog come to need a home?...” Of course, he could not answer any of my questions. He said none of my questions mattered, because we were not going to adopt the dog.

I’m thinking that is true; however, I might come across someone who would like to adopt the dog. How can I sell them on the dog if I know nothing about it? If someone does not adopt the dog it will end up at the animal shelter and could die an early death.

You’re probably thinking that this dog is not my problem and really has nothing to do with me, and you would be right. John reminded me not to distract myself from my own goals by taking on someone else’s problem. Although I know better, that's an old habit of mine that resurfaces from time to time.

My exchange with John shows our differences so well. He is task-oriented and I am people-oriented. He makes decisions based on facts and data. I tend to be more naturally emotional about decisions. He wants the bottom line – do not waste his time! I want to talk about things.

Together we make a balanced team. We each possess qualities the other would like to have. Together we make better decisions and have amazing synergy - a true blend of the best of our personality styles.

Please Understand Me

Please Understand Me By Julie Rahm

Have you ever wondered why you can say something to one person and get one response, and then say the same thing to another person and get a totally different response? The reason is that people have different personality styles and each style has a different priority. Over 2400 years ago, Hippocrates was among the scientists and philosophers who began to distinguish differences in behavior that followed a pattern. In 1928, this pattern was ultimately defined by Dr. William Marston when he wrote The Emotions of Normal People.

So what are the patterns? Marston theorized four fundamental motivations that lead to four behavior patterns. Each of us is a unique blend of the four patterns. Let me illustrate these patterns with a story. Imagine that a building is on fire. Four people stop at the scene. One person remarks, “Someone should do something about this!”. Another takes out a notepad and begins calculating and muttering, “The building is six stories. The fire is on the third floor. The person on the fourth floor wants to jump. She looks like she weighs about 120 pounds so we’ll need four strong men to hold the blanket…”. Another person begins barking orders and pointing to people, “I will handle this! You call 9-1-1, you find a blanket, …”. The fourth person asks, “Who has the marshmallows?”.

Marston describes the four personality styles as DISC for Dominant, Inspiring, Supportive, and Cautious. I have summarized the four types below.

High D - Dominance (to conquer)
% of population: 10%
Key emotion: quick to anger
Motivated by: challenge, control
Mantra: “I want it yesterday!”
Fears: Wasting time
Key descriptors: dominant, direct, demanding, decisive, determined, doer
Asks: What?
“I like being my own boss.”
“I know what I want & I go after it.”
“I like to test myself with new challenges.”

High I – Influence (to persuade)
% of population: 25-30%
Key emotion: Optimism
Motivated by: recognition, approval
Mantra: “Let the good times roll!”
Fears: Rejection
Key descriptors: inspirational, impressive, interested in people
Asks: Who?
“I enjoy telling stories & entertaining people.”
“I get fired up about things.”
“I like freedom from control & detail.”

High S – Steadiness (to be supportive)
% of population: 30-35%
Key emotion: Hide emotion
Motivated by: appreciation, security
Mantra: “Working together, we can do it!”
Fears: Change
Key descriptors: steady, stable, supportive, sensitive, status quo
Asks: Why?
“I like working with people who get along.”
“I enjoy helping people.”
“I can be counted on to get the job done.”

High C – Cautious (to avoid conflict)
% of population: 20-25%
Key emotions: fear/risk aversion
Motivated by: quality answers, value
Mantra: “Don’t show all your cards!”
Fears: Criticism
Key descriptors: cautious, calculating, competent, compliant, contemplative
Asks: How?
“I enjoy analyzing things.”
“I prefer facts to emotions.”
“I enjoy working with people who are organized & have high standards.”

When we learn to say the same thing in a different way – not from our perspective, but others - we live and work so much better together!

Where are Your Habits Leading You? by Jack Canfield
You are an accumulation of your habits. From how you get out of bed, how you shower, how you dress, how you walk, sit, and talk, how you respond to the world, how you act in front of others, and how you think; you're living out your habits.
Habits are necessary. They free up your mind so you can concentrate on how to survive day to day. You don't have to think about how to drive your car so you ca n be on the lookout for danger while you are driving. You don't have to think about how to walk so you can concentrate on where you're going.
Unfortunately, habits can also keep you locked in self-destructive patterns, which will limit your success. To become successful, you will need to drop bad habits and develop new ones that are in line with the life you want to live.
People don't suddenly appear in the life they want to live... their habits determine their outcome!
What are the habits you have that are keeping you from achieving your goals?
Really be honest with yourself here... Are you always running late? Do you return phone calls within 24 hours? Do you get enough sleep? Do you follow through on your promises? Do you plan out your day?
Imagine what your life would be like if all your habits were their productive counterparts!
What would your life be like if you ate healthy meals, exercised and got enough sleep? What if you saved your money, st opped using credit cards and paid cash for everything? What if you stopped procrastinating, overcame your fears, and began networking with people in your field? Would your life be different? I bet it would!
So, my suggested action step for you is to write down some productive habits you could adopt and visualize in your life, step two is to 'act as if' you were living these new habits right now!
I'd like to help you get moving toward creating more successful habits, so I'd recommend you develop four of your new success habits each year, one for each quarter.
Once you pick the new habit you're ready to adopt, next you'll want to create a method that will support your new habit.
Here are some ideas... You could write it down on a card that you keep with you and read several times a day. You could make it a part of your daily visualization. You could also enlist the help of an accountability partner who has habits to change, or work with a personal coach who can keep you on track.
It's important to make a 100% commitment to your new habit, so be sp ecific about the steps that you're willing to take in order to drop an old habit and adopt a new one. Don't be vague about how you will change your habits. Spell it out for yourself so you can recognize situations that motivate you to act out your new habit.
Just developing four new habits a year will dramatically shift your life to be more in line with your vision. And the more in line it becomes, the easier the other habits are to replace because your perspective is shifting and you can see more clearly how your old habits aren't serving you anymore.
Make the decision. Make the commitment. Then watch your new, positive life unfold!
Take the time to implement just one of the strategies discussed in today's issue.
© 2008 Jack Canfield
Jack Canfield, America's #1 Success Coach, is the founder and co-creator of the billion-dollar book brand Chicken Soup for the Soul and a leading authority on Peak Performance and Life Success. If you're ready to jump-start your life, make more money, and have more fun and joy in all that you do, get your FREE success tips from Jack Canfield now at: www.FreeSuccessStrategies.com